Center for Biblical Coaching

True Love

Thursday, March 5th, 2009

David, Samson, and Solomon all failed in the area of relationships. So, unless you’re more godly than David, stronger than Samson, and wiser than Solomon, there’s a good chance you’re going to fail too!

Single, Saved, and Sanctified Part 1

As I’ve been talking to married people about the information in this series I keep hearing the same thing…I wish I would have heard this before I was married.

Why this is so difficult:

“God, can I commit murder?” NO

Steal? Lie? Hate?

“God, can I have sex?” NOT YET

The family is the foundation for our society

Harris Poll in late 1990’s

97% of college students agreed that having a close-knit family is the key to happiness. That’s up 15% from a decade earlier.

Suicide is up 120% between the ages of 10-13

Black males it’s up 300%

White females it’s up 225%

Statistically, the majority of the people in this room will be married within the next 5 years.

For some of you, you’re saying, “I’m scared.”

For others you’re doing everything you can to make that a reality.

Statistically we also know that unless you do something differently than the culture around you, more than half of you will not actually stay married.

That’s why this is important.

And, unless you have a standard, we’re just making it up as we go along.

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The thing that I hope is going to happen as a result of this three day series is this:

- You will find One Love as you seek after who God is and what His will is for you.

- You will have a foundation for a successful family

- You will look closely at the relationships and decisions you make in the near future and be able to see the direction for where that relationship is heading.

If you don’t have any standards, you will only come to the realization that you like the way it “feels” when you’re around that person.

We’re going to use the Bible for our “standard” throughout this series…why?

Genesis 2

The next two days…Ephesians 5 and 6

It’s one thing to know what we like and a whole different thing to know what is best for us.

See, there’s this myth about romantic love that’s a trap!

Do you remember the video of the Little Mermaid? Remember the part where they were in the rowboat and Sebastian starts singing, “Kiss the Girl?” Think about the words being expressed: “Yes, you want her, look at her you know you do.” The way to tell if she really loves him is if she’ll kiss him. That’s the message our society is growing up with! If you love me, you’ll ____________.

That myth of romantic love needs to be broken and that’s the purpose of this article.

To do that, we’ll start at the beginning.

Genesis 2:18 – 19 (How smart must Adam had been to name all those animals?)

Genesis 2:19 – 25

Observation: Marriage is God’s idea

18a – It is not good for man to be alone

- Prior to this, God created and it was good

- Day 1, let there be…and it was good.

- Day 2…let there be, aand it was good

- All the way through…let there be…and it was good

- The first time He says it was not good was that man was alone

- Marriage is God’s idea and not man’s idea

- If it’s God’s idea we need to think about it God’s way.

- We did not invent it. God did

- It is the first institution that God created.

- It is the foundational thing to the other two institutions of church and government.

- Marriage is a good thing.

- Marriage should never be called bad because God created it and it is good.

- If you don’t want to be married…fine. But don’t talk about married as a bad thing

- This was God’s idea before the fall.

- It is pure, holy, and awesome!

18b – I will make him a helper.

Two purposes of marriage.

1. Procreation – Have babies and have lots of them.

- Was she there to help him tend the garden? Nope

- Was she there to help him name the animals? Nope

- There was one thing that he could not do without her.

- Children are a blessing. Don’t talk bad about them either.

- The attitude that people have towards children amazes me.

- Our lives are more than about getting all we can and looking out for us.

- When it comes down to it, we want to look out into our home of children everywhere and launch them into a world that needs salt and light.

1. Illustration – A living example of Christ and the church

- If I believe that marriage is about me and my happiness, I will leave. “Why are you leaving?” Because I’m not happy anymore.

- There are two purposes in marriage and neither one of them has anything to do with my happiness.

- Suck it up and be committed.

- But if I understand that our marriage is a picture of Christ and His church, then I am here for the long haul.

- If I’m just looking for someone who looks real good. Then there are two truths you should know… (1) They don’t stay that way… (2) They don’t stay that way.

- I’ve met so many people that have completely compromised on the important things because someone looked good. There is so much more than that.

If we understand that procreation and a godly line are an example of Christ and the church, we’ll look at our relationships differently. This changes everything in what we look for in a mate.

19 – 20

- God is the one that causes us to desire marriage.

- Adam didn’t know he was alone

- Adam is just naming the animals.

- Adam is obedient to what God told him to do and God brought Eve to him.

When you pursue a relationship outside of God’s will, desire and blessing, it’s like going shopping without money. You either leave frustrated or you take something that doesn’t belong to you.

Marriage is God’s idea.

He’s the one that created its purpose.

He’s the one that puts the desire in your hearts.

Don’t be ashamed of it.

21 – 25

God desires to give you the best. The problem is that the culture has redefined what the “best” is. The culture says:

- He must be from the best school.

- He must be from the best family

- He must have the best body

- He must have the best looks

- He must be from the best job so I can live in the best home in the best neighborhood

That is garbage!!!

That simply tells me that you don’t understand what the purpose of marriage is. When you understand what the purpose of marriage is, the “best” is different than that.

When you understand who you are and what you need.

When you understand the desire that God has given you.

You will one day wake up and realize that God has put you to sleep and fashioned exactly what you need and what you desire and more than what you have asked for.

Marriage has not always been easy but it’s always been good because it is a gift from God.

Marriage has made me a better man. I wouldn’t trade my worst day with Sherry for a dream date with anybody in the world. She is a gift to me from almighty God and exactly what I need.

24 -25

For this cause…

I love my mother and father but I don’t think I’ve ever understood the significance of the marriage relationship until I understood this passage.

The married relationship transcends all other relationships. It’s greater than my relationship with my mother and father. It’s greater than my relationships with all my friends and even greater than my relationship with my children.

You want to know who I am? It’s found in the relationship with my wife and my children. You want to know where I’m going? Ask my wife and children. You want to know my flaws? Ask my wife and children.

My prayer for you is that you would not buy the lie of this culture that says love is temporary.

That you would not buy the lie of this culture that says marriage is all about your happiness.

That you would not buy the lie of this culture that says you need to find the prettiest and richest person you possibly can and stare at them until they don’t look so pretty any more.

But that God would provide you a mate that would come alongside you who will push you further than you ever thought imaginable.

Don’t buy the lie because the truth is so much more satisfying and real.

For some in this room, you need to reassess where you are, what you’ve been looking for, and take a few steps backwards.

- The problem is that we have been sold a lie when it comes to love.

- When we say love, we have this myth called Cupid.

- When Cupid shoots you with his arrow his arrow you begin saying silly things like, “This thing is bigger than both of us.”

- “We don’t choose who we fall in love with”

- “The heart wants what it wants.”

- This is what we believe about love and this is the problem!

- We think there’s some overwhelming force that strikes you and there’s nothing you can do about it.

- We use phrases like, “Follow your heart.” You know what the bible says about following you heart? “It’s wicked and can’t be trusted. Don’t follow your heart.”

Problem #1 with this myth of romantic love…No marriage is safe

If love is:

- an overwhelming force

- if the heart wants what it wants

- if it’s uncontrollable

- if we don’t choose who we fall in love with

- if this thing is bigger than both of us…

If all of this is true…Then no marriage is safe. Not even mine.

What if I’m sitting down on an airplane and this beautiful woman sits next to me and wants me…that’s not funny…it could happen.

All of a sudden, Cupid strikes me and this thing is bigger than both of us and we don’t choose who we fall in love with and the heart wants what it wants.

My marriage isn’t safe. What if it happens to Sherry?

You see the problem? We’ve bought the lie of this myth of romantic love.

So we bounce from person to person being overwhelmed by this force hoping that this time we’ve finally found the right one.

That is ludicrous and totally unbiblical.

If we buy into this myth of romantic love we are hopeless and we will never be secure.

Problem 2: you can never know it objectively.

When you are a year into the marriage, things get difficult… especially for us men because ya’ll ain’t right…then we gave birth to one, and another, and two others

You go weeks without a good night’s sleep, you’re constantly working trying to pay bills and things aren’t so romantic anymore.

If you’ve bought into this myth, you’re immediate thought is, “I must have married the wrong one.”

So the moment you don’t feel this overwhelming chemical reaction, you want out.

People don’t have this number on their forehead so you can match your number with it.

Problem 3: That kind of love is not transferable.

People get afraid when they have children that they won’t be able to love that child because they don’t know if Cupid will strike.

If you buy into this myth, it transfers to your spiritual life as well because you don’t “feel” like God loves you anymore.

Love is not an overwhelming force!

Christ is our model for love. Jesus does not love the church because she’s fine, or makes Him happy. Jesus loves the church because she’s His bride and He has a covenant with her. It’s not an overwhelming emotion. Jesus is the model with His sacrificial love for the church.

Biblical definition of love: Matt 22 and Deut 6 “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength.” Jesus added the dimension of the mind.

Biblical love is an act of the will, accompanied by emotion (not void of emotion and not lead by emotion), that leads to action on behalf of its object.

Biblical love is a choice!

Jesus is the model for this kind of love.

Look at Him in the Garden of Gethsemane.

It’s the night before His crucifixion and He doesn’t FEEL like going to the cross the next day…but then He says, “Nevertheless, not My will but Yours be done.”

It was an act of the will (He chose)

It was accompanied by emotion (so intense He sweat drops of blood)

And it led to action on behalf of its object. (Jesus didn’t need the cross, you and I did. He didn’t do that because it made Him feel good)

Biblical love lasts! It stays!

It is a solid foundation that can be built on.

That’s why people who follow the cultural myth of romantic love walk away from a relationship and say, “We fell out of love.”

What?! You fell out of love? What is that?

People who were married for 30 years are getting divorced. I want to tell them, “You made it 30 years, suck it up, you don’t have that far to go.”

Usually we enter a relationship like this:

- Because their cute

- We like their company

- They make us feel all tingly inside

- We get emotionally involved

- We get physically involved

- Then we step back and say, “Is this the one?”

- It’s too late!!!

- Once you’ve invested too much into a relationship there’s no way out. You stop being able to think objectively about this relationship and all decisions about this relationship are based on the emotions you’ve put into these relationship!

There are people in this room that are in a relationship that you know you have no business being in.

I know because you have to justify the relationship.

I especially see it when one person is a Christian and the other is not.

By the way, you never say that they’re a pagan. It’s always, “They’re close” or “They’re not as spiritual as I would like them to be” or “they don’t go to church all the time.”

Why don’t you just be honest? She’s a pagan, she doesn’t know God but she’s fine and I don’t want to lose her.

Let’s deal with this up front.

The first priority is that they must be a born again, blood washed, bible believing, sold out Christian!

Ladies are the ones that have the biggest problem with this.

Some of you girls are considering guys that are so far beneath you spiritually that you have no business spending any time with.

2 Cor 6:14-16b

You only marry in the Lord!

But he’s so close…1 Cor 15:33

It amazes me that we will ask God to bless us when we purposely disobey Him. “God, I love you so much and I’m so committed to you, and I’m praying as I continue to invest my life in this relationship that you have forbidden and said is sin…will you just bless my sin please and while I continue to pursue what You have told me that I should not have?”

See, if we don’t choose who we fall in love with and if love is just this romantic feeling that I have, then surely God wouldn’t allow me to fall in love with someone whom He wouldn’t save at some point.

If you continue to invest your life into someone who doesn’t qualify, you are out of the will of God.

Why? Because there are going to be difficult days in marriage and only the love that is led by the will is going to survive.

I watched my mom spend her last 5 years being loved by my dad. He had to pick her up and move her 16-20 times a day. He had to change her diaper, feed her, clothe her, shower her. She didn’t look the same way she did when they got married but he was in this until the end!

You don’t get that kind of love when it is based on feelings. Cupid doesn’t shoot that arrow. That is a love that says, “I choose to love you with everything I have for the rest of our lives together.” I choose to love you.

She doesn’t look like she did when they first got married.

Don’t you realize how tired he got? Biblical love leads by the will.

It’s an act of the will, accompanied by emotion. It’s not void of emotion and it’s not led by emotion.

I meet people all the time who are involved in a wild, whirlwind romance who know that this person is not biblically qualified to be their husband but they ignored it because it felt so good. Now, they’re married to them and are frustrated and miserable because they got what they asked for.

“God, can you make him different? But, if God really loved me, wouldn’t He change him?”

You went to God and said, “I don’t care what the bible says, I want this one.”

God says, “Cool, you got him.”

Folks, this changes everything.

My prayer for you is that you get the big picture and that God will use these truths to rescue you because some of you are heading down a destructive path.

You’re only excuse is that you, “fell in love, this thing is bigger than both of us, we don’t choose who we fall in love with, the heart wants what it wants.”

That’s unbiblical, immature, and it will destroy your life.

Look, God chose to love you. God who set the penalty of death for the one who has sinned (all of us) is the same One that came down and paid that death penalty for us.

Mike DeGuzman is a biblical life coach who speaks on a variety of topics that relate to marriage, parenting, and teenagers. Contact him at cbcdeguzman@gmail.com or (843) 812-7690.

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