Punishment ~vs~ Discipline
Wednesday, March 4th, 2009Have you ever been so angry with your kids that you just lost it? Yelling, screaming, veins popping out of your neck, muscles tense, etc…
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When I get really angry my early response is to take revenge. They’ve done something and I’m going to get them back. That, my friends is punishment…not discipline.
What about you? Has that ever happened to you? Have you ever gotten so angry with your kids that you knew the punishment you handed out was over the top?
Have you ever given out punishment that you knew was harsher than necessary only because you weren’t going to allow them to win?
Have you ever realized in your punishment that, not only were you not fair, you didn’t care?
This article talks about the difference between punishment and discipline.
Punishment ~vs~ discipline
|
|
PUNISHMENT |
DISCIPLINE |
|
Purpose |
To inflict penalty for an offense |
To train for correction and maturity |
|
Focus |
Past misdeeds |
Future correct acts |
|
Attitude |
Hostility and frustration on the part of the parent |
Love and concern on the part of the parent |
|
Resulting emotion in child |
Fear and guilt |
Security |
We must understand the difference between the two concepts of punishment and discipline.
Does God discipline us or does God punish us?
I did a word study on the word “punish” and the term speaks of retribution and revenge.
Discipline is different than punishment.
The question we have to answer is this: “What does God do to us (Christians)? Does He punish us or does He discipline us?”
Hebrews 12:6: The word for discipline translated literally means, “forcefully correct, to scourge, to take whatever drastic measure is necessary to get someone to obey.” Punishment, when not clarified implies retribution. It can be entirely a matter of payback.
The focus of punishment is always past tense: “First you did this, then you did this, and now you have to pay the price.”
That’s not the Gospel! God wiped away our past sins.
Remember…we are supposed to represent God the Father. We love the gospel of grace when we come to God with our sins. None of us want justice. All of us want mercy.
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What does the Gospel have to do with parenting? Everything! If Jesus took all the punishment for you and me, He also took all of it for our kids. I don’t want to teach my kids that I need to pay them back for the bad things they’ve done.
It makes no sense for me to fellowship with God on the basis of mercy and fellowship with my kids on the basis of judgment.
Since Jesus took the punishment, my role as a parent is not to punish them. My role is to provide appropriate consequences and instruction to help them see how their behavior displeases God.
Punishment produces very negative characteristics in your children: guilt, shame, bitterness, resentment, regret, self-pity, fear, etc…
Children feel helpless because everything is focused on the past. They can’t undo what they’ve already done and they can’t change the circumstances that their behavior has produced.
Punishment doesn’t give them a means to right their wrongs.
Discipline, on the other hand, is future focused. It has nothing to do with retribution and everything to do with redemption.
The biggest difference between punishment and discipline:
Punishment has the parent’s anger at the forefront
Discipline has the child’s best interests at the forefront
While none of us will say that we are taking revenge on our kids. The better question to ask is, “What’s the message that your child is getting?”
We’ve spent the past two weeks talking about “why” to discipline. Now let’s focus on “how.”
There are two things that constitute biblical discipline: (1) Actions (2) Words
Discipline by Actions:
The concept of the Hebrew word yasar is chastisement and it always implies something physical.
Prov 13:24 “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.”
Prov 22:15 “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.”
Spanking is controversial but there are times when it is appropriate to spank your kids.
If done properly, and early in life, you won’t have to spank often.
A firm swat on the fatty tissue does no damage. At certain ages and in certain circumstances, spanking is the most effective—and compassionate—approach you can take.
When you tell your kids not to do something, you have to follow that up with consequences if (and when) they do it again.
In one way or another, every child will battle with their parent. The earlier you win the battle, the better for both of you.
A clear and controlled spanking is far less damaging to a child than the repeated yelling and screaming a lot of parents go through.
Discipline never involves slapping or hitting a child. It’s never appropriate to spank babies or toddlers younger than 15-18 months of age. It’s never appropriate to shake your child because it can lead to brain damage or death.
When is spanking not appropriate to spank?
- When a parent is out of control of his or her emotions
- When a child is younger than 15-18 months
- As a first resort
Steps of “Action” Discipline
1. Clear warning:
- Your first interaction about a situation should be verbal (don’t blindside them)
- This helps to know whether they deliberately crossed a line or made an honest mistake.
- You want to correct intentional disobedience
2. Establish responsibility:
- Your child must own up to his misbehavior
- Do not ask “Why did you do that?” (They are sinners with a predisposition to disobedience that he inherited from you)
- When you ask, “Why did you do that?” it leads to rationalization.
- Instead, ask, “What did you do wrong?” and wait for the response. Do not give in to rationalization.
- Always focus on their behavior not their identity.
- Make sure and turn the attention to the actions not the person.
- You want him to understand that the act was wrong and that he is fully capable of doing the right thing
3. Avoid Embarrassment:
- Never embarrass them in front of their friends, their siblings, or even strangers
4. Communicate Grief:
- Make sure they know that more than being angry, you’re disappointed and heartbroken when they disobey.
- Early in their childhood they need to know that you trusted them and when the trust has been violate, they need to know the relationship is wounded.
- When kids see grief in their parents they’ll better understand how their sin affects God.
5. Flick your wrist
- Do not use harsh beatings!
- Do not reach back and swing
- Use a wooden spoon or some other appropriate size paddle and flick your wrist
- Dobson says, “our objective…is not simply to shape the will, but to do so without breaking the spirit.”
- Be calm, in control, and focused, being very careful to respect his body.
- Do not spank any area other than the buttocks.
6. Sincere repentance:
- When they’re small, let them sit in your lap after a spanking and cry a while.
- This models love for them behind the discipline
- After a few minutes, ask, “Are you ready to talk about this with Daddy and God?”
- Then ask again, “What did you do wrong?”
- “With whom do you need to make things right?”
- Coach them on how to confess their sins, and receive forgiveness
7. Unconditional Love:
- After disciplining your kids, take them in your arms and pray.
- “Thank you, Lord, for my precious son, for the wonderful way You’ve made him, for the amazing guy he is, and for all the gifts You’ve given him. Thank you that he’s taken responsibility for what he did. Thank you that you’ve completely forgiven him.
- Then go and do something fun.
- He’ll know he’s still accepted and that there’s no barrier between the two of you.
Words that Discipline
- Say no firmly!
Don’t give in to Pleeeaaaase!!!
If they’re teenagers asking about going to a movie that you know is bad, just say, “I’m sorry, honey, absolutely not. That’s not a good movie because it doesn’t have the kinds of things I want going into your mind.”
“I don’t understand why not.”
Reaffirm your love for her and acknowledge that it means a lot to her that there’s a lot of pressure on her.
If at all possible, open the Scriptures in a non-legalistic way and show some verses that will help her understand that your decision isn’t backed up by “because I said so,” but grows out of God’s deepest desires for our well being.
Romans 12:2 emphasizes avoiding worldly behavior.
Prov 13:20 points out the consequences God wants to spare us from as well as the benefit of God’s favor.
If you say what you mean and mean what you say, children are much less likely to pester a parent with repeated requests when you are decisive.
- Use Contracts
This is great when kids are in their preteen and teen years and power struggles escalate
- When we are the authority all the time we never transfer trust to our children
- By making a contract that addresses the issues that are most contentious, you can transfer a lot of the responsibility to them.
- When the contract is violated, you can point out that the issue was their responsibility; they didn’t live up to their agreement.
- When done properly, your child will realize that he’s the one that blew it.
How to make contracts work:
- Pick four or five of your biggest power struggles (the areas where you bump heads most often)
- Pray and fast before talking to your child to make sure your heart is right
- Explain that you are constantly fighting about ________ and we’re both tired of the stress.
- Since I’m commanded by God to help you learn to obey, and since I have not been very good at doing that thus far, why don’t we agree on what the consequences should be? I want you to tell me what consequences would motivate you to do what you know is right.”
- Then go through them one by one
When they go against what’s been clearly spelled out, you just pull out the contract and remind them of the consequences.
This allows them to see how they were at fault and were in the wrong. The consequences were all agreed on beforehand. You don’t have to be the bad guy.
You can sympathize with them instead.
Contracts are very effective beginning around age eleven or twelve and up.
The words on the agreement allow you to sit on the same side as your child is while letting their actions enforce the discipline.
- Use Consequences
As long as the child is living in your home or you are paying for their tuition, books, meals, etc…you have leverage.
Take the car keys back and cut off the money supply to start with.
Something I learned a few years ago is this, “There is maximum amount of freedom while under authority.” the more they obey their authorities, the more freedom they have!
Make sure your children understand the consequences beforehand. Don’t blindside them.
- Pitfalls to Avoid
Your words have the power to build up or to tear down. Use them wisely. Here are some things to avoid:
A. The Screaming Parent
- When a parent screams they are as out of control as the child
- Interact with your child at an adult level of maturity not a child’s
- When you shout, you’re not in charge anymore
- After conflict builds up, the parent explodes, the child withdraws or rebels, and destructive patterns start to develop in place of discipline.
B. The All-Talk parent
- Kids are naturally manipulative
- Parents who are high on the “love” side but low on the discipline side often find themselves spending long periods of time having “deep talks” about the problem at hand.
- Smart children listen intently and allow you to get it out of your system.
- The behavior never changes but you think something happened because you listened to their innermost feelings about why he’s disobeying and how hard life is.
- Remember, you’re after behavioral change, not simply an exchange of information.
C. The Abusive parent
- You may have had a rough past and be left with unresolved anger issues, but losing control and striking a child means you need to get help.
- Verbal abuse can be just as devastating to a child as physical abuse.
- “Sticka and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me” is a lie.
D. The Closed-Lip parent
- Don’t think that this is just a phase that he’ll grow out of and turn your back to the newspaper or TV…that’s denial
- Some parents are close lipped because they are passive and don’t like conflict
- Like cancer, the problem will grow.
E. The Light bulb parent
- Many parents have a tendency to get all fired up about parenting, come up with a plan, have clear expectations, and lay it all out for the family…then two days later the plans are dropped or the enforcement becomes very irregular.
- That kind of inconsistency sends kids multiple messages.
- Few things have as much power to discourage children and discredit parents in the eyes of the children as inconsistency in discipline.
- Kids will learn when the lightbulb is on and they have to obey and when the lightbulb is off and they can get away with things.
What to do next?
First, identify the top two behavioral problems in your home. Focus on the two things where you and your kids butt heads most often.
Second, honestly evaluate your current parenting pattern and address your issues first.
Third, have a family conference. Sit together somewhere comfortable and let your children know that you’re not mad. Calmly point out the problems in the family system and own up to your part in them. If you haven’t been consistent enough…say so. If you feel you’ve been too lenient, admit it. Tell your children you’ve asked God to forgive you and then sincerely ask them to forgive you, if and when appropriate.
Once you’ve done that you’ve separated yourself from past practices and probably begun earning your kids’ respect in the process.
Lay out your plan and let them know that you plan on being faithful to God and to them by fulfilling your part.
Mike DeGuzman is a biblical life coach who speaks on a variety of topics that relate to marriage, parenting, and teenagers. Contact him at cbcdeguzman@gmail.com or (843) 812-7690.
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