Center for Biblical Coaching

Lovers not Lawyers

Communicating with your spouse like lovers not lawyers

5 Habits of successful communication…Notice they’re in A, B, C, D, E order

Ask Advice – One of the best ways to honor your spouse is to ask for their advice. Trust me…they have opinions. When you ask for their advice, you’re telling them you value them. You value what they think and you want them to give input into your life.

Brag publicly – This builds them up. They’ll act shy just like we do but we like it too. Even though we don’t want to admit it…it’s nice. Its nice to have your spouse brag about you to the people you rub shoulders with.

Compliment Consistently – I’ve never done any marriage coaching where a couple walks into my office and tells me that their problem with their spouse that he/she compliments them too much. “Would you tell them to knock it off because I am sick and tired of it.” Find ways to compliment because that builds your spouse up and that’s one of things God created your tongue for.

Directly Express Thankfulness – In other words thank them specifically for something they’ve done. Don’t give a generalized, “Uh, thanks for being you and doing what you do.” Be specific. Thank you for cooking this fantastic dinner. Thank you for working so hard to support our family. Thank you for taking the time to listen, etc…

Exhort Sparingly – To exhort means to preach. Sure there are sensitive and sticky areas that need to be addressed but many of them can be saved for later. Don’t make every issue a huge issue. Instead, ask yourself the question, “is what I’m about to say more about me or more about him/her?” If it’s about you, shut your mouth. If it’s about him/her…gently move in for the sake of building up. If your goal is to make them feel as awful as you can about what they’ve done or said then there’s some real benefit to yelling, belittling, and berating.

What would happen in your marriage if you backed off of the preaching and became all out about Asking advice, Bragging about them publicly, Complimenting often, Directly expressing gratitude, and Exhorting sparingly?

You would become a builder of your spouse and use your most powerful gift to honor God. When I build up, it glorifies God. When I tear down, it glorifies me.

It’s not enough to provide. It’s not enough to be there. There are things your spouse needs to hear, just like there are things you need to hear.

Cuddle up to your spouse tonight and ask him/her how you’re doing in these areas. Please add comments below to give ideas on being a great communicator.

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