Center for Biblical Coaching

Communicating to your children

Sunday, March 1st, 2009

Sticks and Stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me?

Whoever came up with that saying must have been deaf.

A couple of words can change a relationship

You can be having a totally normal day. They say something, we say something, and the day is never the same.

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My teenagers are well aware of what you and I are well aware of…WORDS HURT!

Here’s the mystery in all of this:

“Do you want to say words that hurt to those you love the most?” NO

“Do you want to say words that encourage and build up those you love the most?” YES

Most of us would agree that our lives have been shaped by the words that have been spoken to us.

Think about the things your parents said or didn’t say.

Think about the things your friends said or didn’t say.

The tone of voice, the way arguments went on.

Our hopes, our dreams, our pictures of reality were all shaped by what other people said.

Communication was such an integral part of our lives and is true among the lives of our teenagers as well.

Proverbs 12:18 Speaking recklessly is like the thrusts of a sword, but the words of the wise bring healing.

That word recklessly is the same word as thoughtless.

I. Words that are reckless are equivalent to being stabbed.

There are some words that are said without thinking!

The result of those reckless and thoughtless words is compared to being stabbed by a sword.

If I were to ask you some of your childhood memories as they relate to words said to you or about you, you’ll be amazed how you remember things.

My own childhood: I remember as a kid probably around 8 or 9 years old and I was a runner on third base. The batter hit a ball in foul territory to the third baseman. I had instinctively come off the base in hopes to score. Since it was a foul ball I wasn’t in a hurry to get back to third. I didn’t realize that the third baseman could tag me out. After all, I reasoned, the ball is foul. No such luck!!! If that wasn’t bad enough, after the game, my dad said, “You have embarrassed me! You will walk home.” Why have I never forgotten that? I don’t remember much about vacations our family took, I don’t remember classes I took, I don’t remember most of my teachers or incidences that happened in different games I played but I remember word for word the things that hurt me.

The question I am challenging you with today is what are the words that our children are going to remember for the rest of their lives?

What’s the solution? This verse gives the solution.

II. Words that are wise bring healing

Proverbs 12:18 Speaking recklessly is like the thrusts of a sword, but the words of the wise bring healing.

The stabbing of a sword is a one time event but healing is a process. It only takes a few words to do damage but many words to heal.

We live in a world of instant gratification. I remember our brand new stereo cabinet with reel to reel AND a turntable.

We went from turntables to 8-tracks and then to cassettes.

From cassettes to CD’s and now we have Ipod’s, Mp3’s, and live video streaming.

I grew up without a VHS player and now we have personal DVD’s, movie downloads, DVR, and Tivo. That way we can watch whatever we want and listen to whatever we want whenever we want.

We have ATM machines and online banking. I remember my mom telling me on a Friday that she didn’t have any money because the bank was closed and wouldn’t have any money until Monday at 9:00. And now we are the instant gratification society.

People say that technology makes things easier. I don’t know if I agree with that. Can you imagine how much more simple life would be without cell phones?

Everyone here tonight remembers going to radio shack (because Wal-Mart didn’t exist) and buying the longest phone cord ever invented so you could use the kitchen phone and talk in your bedroom which was on the other side of the house.

In this area of words and communicating with our children, we must understand that there is no quick fix to words that have been thrust in like a sword.

And the bad part is that it almost seems like our children press all the right buttons to make us say thoughtless words.

If careless words stab like a sword then we need to be CARE-FUL

We need to slow down. I wish I had radio station technology for my mouth sometimes…a 7 second delay. Especially because there are things that we say as parents that will stick with them the rest of their lives!

More importantly, there are things we don’t say as parents that will stick with them the rest of their lives!

All of us can go back and say, “My Mom used to always tell me…” Or, “My Dad used to say…” Many of us can look back and say, “I wish my Dad would’ve said…” Or, “I wish my Mom would have told me…” As parents we have the opportunity to speak into our children’s lives and aim them in the direction we know is good.

The mouth is the most powerful part of the human body because with our mouths we can affect destinies.

With our mouths we can build up or tear down.

- You can do it – You’ll never amount to anything

- I believe in you – You can’t do anything right.

- That was awesome – That was awful

- Great job – What were you thinking?

- You look beautiful – You know how stupid you look?

- I’m so proud of you – Once again, you failed.

- I’ll never leave you – I’ve found another family…I’m leaving

- I love you – I can’t stand you

III. Words that burn determine the course of life

James 3:5-6 So also the tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things. Behold, how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire! ⁶ And the tongue is a fire, the very world of iniquity; the tongue is set among our members as that which defiles the entire body, and sets on fire the course of our life, and is set on fire by hell.

We’ve all seen how just one spark can start a forest fire. But this verse speaks on something that we all have that is much more powerful and that’s the power of the tongue.

A fire destroys houses…Our words can destroy homes. There have been more homes destroyed by words than houses destroyed by fire.

The forest will grow back (it may take a long time). Some of our words are so powerful that they set on fire the course of our kids’ lives.

IV. Words that edify/build up bring grace

Here’s the practical instruction:

Ephesians 4:29 Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear.

This verse shares God’s purpose for our mouths.

If we just apply the first part of the verse to our lives we could pray, end right here, and have enough material to apply for the rest of our lifetime.

Many houses would be terribly quiet. What’s wrong with Dad? He’s been so quiet all day today.

The word unwholesome means rotten or unfit for use.

Before we move forward in the verse we have to understand that the starting place to us being great communicators with our children is that we’re not going to allow any rotten words that are good for nothing to come out of our mouths.

The next part of the verse says that we’re only supposed to speak words that are helpful for them.

This verse is saying that we need to be saying the type of things that when they leave our presence they are better off because of what we said.

That means:

We’re not to just be right,

We’re not to just tell the truth,

We’re not to just win an argument.

We’re called to a higher calling and that’s to build others up.

Truth is, we hide behind things like:

I was right! or.. Well…it’s the truth!

I was frustrated

I had a bad day

That’s not what I meant

If you have a child that’s lazy, you are right in telling them and it’s the truth. This isn’t about avoiding confrontations or conflicts. This is about the way we tell them.

“How can I use what I’m about to say to build them up?”

How can we get past the point of making a point and telling them the truth to actually being helpful? How can we choose our words and tone of voice to be helpful?

Wouldn’t it have been better if your parents would have done that? What if your parents would have spoken to each other that way? Aren’t there some things you wished you had never heard?

How to communicate and resolve conflicts with your Child…ABCDE

Ask Advice – One of the best ways to honor your child (especially your teenager) is to ask for their advice. Trust me…they have opinions.

Because when I ask for advice it’s telling them that I value them. It’s telling them that I value what they think. I’m telling them that I want them to input into my life.

Brag publicly – This builds them up. They’ll act shy just like we do but we like it too. Even though we don’t want to admit it…it’s nice.

Compliment Often – I’ve never had any teenager walk into my office and tell me that their problem with their parents is that their parents compliment them too much. “Would you tell them to knock it off because I am sick and tired of it.” Nobody overdoes it.

When I compliment, I build you up and that’s the purpose I was given for this mouth.

Directly Express Gratitude – In other words thank them specifically for something they’ve done.

Exhort Sparingly – To exhort means to preach.

“I’ve told you a hundred times…” This communicates that if you change it will make me happy.

I would be happier if you…. That’s being me-centered and not others centered.

Sure there are sensitive areas that need to be addressed. Sure there are sticky areas that you need to get into as parents. But save it. Don’t make every issue a huge issue.

Instead, ask yourself the question is what you are about to say more about you or more about them. If it’s about you, shut your mouth. If it’s about them…gently move in for the sake of building up.

If your goal is to make them feel as awful as you can about what they’ve done or said then there’s some real benefit to yelling, belittling, and berating.

What would happen in your family if you backed off on the preaching and became all out about Asking advice, Bragging about them publicly, Complimenting often, Directly expressing gratitude, and Exhorting sparingly?

You would become a builder of your teenager

You would use your most powerful gift to honor God.

When I build up, it glorifies God.

When I tear down, it glorifies me.

Ask the people closest to you…Am I a burner (James) or a builder (Paul)?

Think back to your parents. Don’t you wish there were things they said more? If you never had that kind of verbal affirmation it’s going to be difficult to pass that on to your children.

My dad…I still love to hear from my dad how he’s proud of me.

You know why it’s hard to say, “I love you?”It’s because you are emotionally immature. Just before you say it, there’s an emotion that comes up that won’t let you say it. If that’s true, you’re allowing your emotions to control you and to rob the people you are closest to from being built up.

Say it even if you say it wrong. Your words are so important.

It’s not enough to provide. It’s not enough to be there. There are things they need to hear. Just like there are things you needed to hear.

Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear. ( Ephesians 4:29)

Are you burning through what you say or don’t say? Or are you building?

Quit worrying about being right. Concentrate on building up!

We have an awesome opportunity with our words to steer our children in the right direction.

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